A promise for 2023!

This is not the story I want to tell people when they ask about my 2022. But if I can be honest with someone who do care a lot, I won’t hesitate to take them back to my most remarkable moment of the past 365 days.

It was not the DC trip when I and my (ex) boyfriend drove for 8 hours straight from Niagara Falls to the capital city just because I said seeing the cherry blossom would be a beautiful way to escape the cruel winter here. And yes, we did have the most 4 gorgeous spring days of the entire year, though the flowers were all gone by the time we arrived. It was not the 37-hour flight with Singapore Airlines from Los Angeles to Ho Chi Minh City (including the separate 8-hour flight from Buffalo to Los Angeles), which made the first longest flight in my life since the very first day I left Vietnam. Yup, it was an interesting story to recall, but still it was not the most remarkable one to tell. It also was not the lazy 3-month summer break back at home whose time I made a really good use of, visiting Ha Noi, meeting people I had to meet, renewing US visa in an insane anxiety, taking a once-in-a-while memorable family trip to Nha Trang (getting involved in some dramas, but it was all okay and tolerable as long as it was within my family), launching a mini online bakery with mom and little sister, and getting a surgery done. Oh, and it was not the damn breakup that happened at the very ending of my wonderful summer, which, I guess, was the cause for most of my mental breakdown later on.

The most (sarcastically called) remarkable story of my 2022 was just as short as these couple sentences, and you would want to settle in and get ready for what I am going to pour out: It was the around the third week of October, the 19th or 20th to be exact. I was walking home after attending a Speaker installment at school, struggling with the ruthless wind, soaking wet in the heavy rain, trembling with the violent cold, listening the sound my heart made as it slowly cracked and shattered, thinking what would be the fastest and easiest way to end my life.

I’m sure you read it right because I don’t try make any dictation mistakes here, intentionally or unintentionally. It was true to core that the thought of death really groped its way to my mind, so real and vividly, and kept coming with an increasing frequency as days went by, around that darkest time.

I cannot recall every single reason of why depression came to me or when it came. It could have been dated all the way back in 2018 when the real first life crisis hit and completely knocked me down. Until this day I have no way to guarantee if my both physical and mental wounds caused from that event are fully healed or not, because sometimes it feels like I have one-hundred-percent moved on from the past, and sometimes it feels like I haven’t at all. Maybe wounds left scars, and those scars hurt once in a while, or worse they bleed if scratched by reality’s sharp nails while their healing process is not totally done. So, by the time I realized the depression did really exist, and started to possess my body and mind, its severity had already leveled up a bit more since the thought of death began to penetrate my mind a little deeper every day. All I can remember right now when I am typing these lines is that after all those years of hard work, efforts, dedication, devotion, and exhaustion that were put into almost everything I value, like life, school, work, and love life, what I got in return was no more than the feelings of being worthless, ignored, unrecognized, unloved, and unwanted. I am so aware that I am such a big girl with such a big heart. I am nice and kind and altruistic and compassionate. I know so well that I don’t deserve those merciless things, yet they chose me as a sacrifice, maybe with or without my consent.

I won’t tell why or how I still survive up to this moment, for the miracle that stopped me from harming myself that day remains unexplainable. It could be because of that just-in-time fateful call from Mashi at 2am. Or it could also be because of this website I was still building back then; as I looked at it there was suddenly a guilty moment flashing through my mind, telling me how irresponsible I was to it if I died before finishing it, and if I died without letting my tech colleague know that I would never be able to finish the website he built for me. Either one or both could be the reasons for why I am still alive. But to those who unfortunately pass by this not-so-happy entry, I hope you understand that it takes the very last piece of the courage I am having right now to disclose this so-called remarkable story of my 2022, because listening to other people’s stories does not seem to be as difficult as telling your own ones.

I always tended to blame the year for every bad luck, grief, and sad event that had happened in that year. As I posted something on Facebook as a year wrap-up in the past, I used to highlight any heartbroken moments and miseries, and jumped right to such a very unfair conclusion that that year had terribly mistreated me, without sparing a minute to recall if I did anything wrong to myself. Now I guess it is time to do differently. I wanted to look at 2022 from a different angle, an angle that reveals the whole truth and the root cause of each event, both sad and happy ones, that had the chance to occur in the past 365 days. An angle where I reflect and uncover the most hidden corner of my true self, so that I genuinely understand why something happened the way it had to happen. Like why the relationship I treasured the most during the past 2 years had to come to an end the way I would never expect or want. Like why someone had to leave the way they already left. And like why someone came because perhaps it was time the universe sent them to my life for a legitimate reason.

So dear 2022, thank you for everything you had to offer. No matter how good or bad it was, it all deserves my deepest gratitude. If I had a chance to make a nice little gesture to all the things you brought, 2022, I would want to hold them tightly and gracefully, and give them all the most heartfelt, charming, and gentle kiss. I would kiss the DC trip for the most beautiful spring time I had with my ex sweetheart. I would kiss the 37-hour flight back home though it was such a pain. I would kiss the Ha Noi memory and all my Ha Noi friends for taking care of me as if I were family. I would kiss my family for unconditionally loving me and giving me the most loving summer. I would kiss the breakup because it is worth my kiss despite the aftermath it brought. I would kiss all the nerves, the anxieties, the sadness, and the devastation because if it had not been for them, I would have never grown. And I would kiss every little sweet moment from someone whose little acts of kindness somehow reminded me that love and care was in the air if I was open to breath a bit more deeply (you won’t know how much your kindness meant to me). And lastly, let me kiss all the wounds that my inner child is still bearing until today, as I have the faith that one day all these wounds will be recovered, totally and completely.

For 2023, I don’t think I want to put a pressure on you like I did with the past 28 years of my life by insisting that you have to treat me nicely. It took me almost my whole 20s to realize that it was not the right mindset people should have to welcome New Years. I guess if my perspective had changed just a bit positively years ago, I would have long passed all the universe’s challenges, and felt more fulfilled and happier. I can neither turn back time to correct myself nor skip any bad parts of my life to jump to the best parts, but I can absolutely learn from my mistakes and make the appropriate adjustment. So dear 2023, by the moment we all say goodbye to my dear friend 2022, I promise that I will treat you nicely, fairly, kindly, and wholeheartedly. You and I, we’d better just go with the flow, face the new challenges with calmness, overcome every obstacle with ease, have fun, make another mistake and fix it, fall hard and stand strong, continue to love, and most importantly, put ourselves at the top priority. You have my word!

Angelique - Uyen Vo, Niagara Falls, NY, Dec. 31st 2022