It’s 3 in the morning, and the winter storm was finally gone. I’m sitting on my bed, all bundled up in my dreamy and cozy comforter, pretty much wide awake, carefully recalling everything that had happened during Christmas, and slowly picking up each of the shattered pieces of my feelings together.
It was all because of that freaking stupid alcohol my roommates gently forced me to drink up at Christmas Eve’s dinner. Now I could blame the alcohol for my mental breakdown, because I could not blame anything else during normal days when my mental illness was not caused by alcohol. If there is one fact people should know, that is I barely get drunk that easily but my mood got hurt so quickly after just a couple tiny sips of any kinds of alcohol. Most of the time after drinking too much beer or strong wine, I find myself immerse in tears for at least an hour straight. This time, it was no different. I started to feel terribly emotional the minute we finished throwing all the dirty dishes into the sink (of course everyone got too wasted to do any decent cleaning, and if there was anyone who was sober enough to clean up the after-party mess, that person would be me, yet I was too exhausted to do it all by myself). As soon as I hopped in the shower, I let myself burst into tears without a hesitation. And for no reasons. Streams of sadness and heart-broken memories brutally poured down my mind like the cruel wind outside, the wind that shook the entire wall on my side so fiercely all night long that I could not help cracking a joke, saying that maybe when everyone got up in the morning they might have to go out and search for my body somewhere near the falls, because I and the wall would have been gone with the wind. Anyway, that was what happened in the shower last night. The toughest thing was how I tried to make it look normal when I was done showering, getting out of the bathroom without revealing any sign that I had been crying a lot. My huge ego has never allowed me to let anyone see me cry. I can tell people that I was crying, when I was crying, and why I was crying, but they are not allowed to see me when I am crying. So if you catch me crying, either on purpose or by accident, you should know that you are indeed special to me, or at least special enough for me to show you the weakest and most vulnerable side of me.
As my tears kept falling continuously on my pitiful face, I suddenly heard a voice whispering in my head, “Damn! I’m desperately in need of a hug right now!”.
I called Đạt the next morning, hearing him moan about his miserable situation he is stuck in at the moment. Then I briefly told him the entire story of the Christmas Eve, of why that stupid alcohol killed my holiday mood and pushed me to the ocean of tears. Đạt’s response could not be more cheesy as he said, “If I were there with you, I honestly had zero idea of what to do to handle the situation, but you know my shoulder is always available for you to lean on and cry harder, right?”, and, “Bé Uyên khóc anh biết phải làm sao??”. I mean, so cheesy, but awwww, I like it, and somehow it felt like a hug to me. Sometimes, something that is not a hug does feel like a hug if you really put your heart into it. As I was talking with Đạt via Zalo, I was chit-chatting with my previous tech colleague via Skype at the same time, literally sharing the same story to him. I obviously don’t need to moan about my sadness to the entire world, yet I just know when I have to cry my heart out to the selectively decent ones, ones that I know from my deepest sense are kind, and nice, and tolerant. Đạt and my tech colleague are one of those decent ones, and I guess two is not a big number to represent the entire world. Then unexpectedly, my tech colleague was trying to play a mini game for me that he was playing the other day with my other previous colleagues in the office. The game was part of the Christmas party which he thought was fun. “The purpose of the game was to see if it can help change your mood.”, he said. I think that was sweet, and it felt like a hug too! Because the efforts he made to make me feel better though just a little, I knew it was true from his heart.
While rearranging my chaotic photo library that contains thousands of pictures since 2016, I surprisingly found this photo that depicted questions that feel like a hug. I must have randomly run into the photo anywhere on the internet, at some time in the past, and saved it to my device just because.
After today, I think I may add to the list at least two more questions that are created based on Đạt’s and my tech colleague’s sayings:
“You know my shoulder is always available for you to lean on and cry harder?”
and
“Want to play a game/ do something to change your mood?”
There should be no limit to the number of the questions you can add to the list. It may continue to grow in number as long as a heartfelt moment touches your soul, like when someone genuinely tells you that whenever you face a difficulty, you know where to find them. And yes, things like that feel like a hug.
So I guess a hug sometimes does not need to be in the form of a physical touch, especially when we are not geographically close to our loved ones, but it can be transformed into some kind of sweet sayings and nice gestures, just like what Đạt and my tech colleague did for me, because you can hug a person with beautiful words too.
Angelique - Uyen Vo, Niagara Falls, NY, Dec. 26th 2022
